Friday, September 30, 2011

Home Alone...

Lately, I've been huddled up at home, always in front of my computer, searching, reading, watching...I look up sometimes and out of my window to see the world, everyone, going about their business and I wonder, what the fuck am I doing here? Why in the hell am I not out, breathing the air, doing things, going places and then it hits me...Lols, you're single! But then I say so fucking what, I'm single, being single is fun. I can go where I want, do what I want, whenever I want and I don't need to check in with anyone.

But who am I kidding, huh? I do want to check in with someone, I do want to go places with someone, I do want to do things with someone but whenever did it get so difficult to find that someone? I'll tell you when...

Today, I went out, I'm single, I can go where I want, whenever I want..bla, bla, I went to the local pizzeria, lovely spot, pizza to die for...It was such a beautiful day, windy but beautiful nonetheless.

The plan was to hangout on the patio, eat a nice pie and read an interesting book, "Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters". I ate up my pizza, the wind was coming on strong, so I put down my book, just as my phone rang.

I answered the call and it was my friend on the other end, we chatted, while talking to him, this older gentleman walked onto the patio and waved. When I concluded my call, he asked me where I was from, I asked him why, and he said because I sound like I'm from Africa. I told him, and he proceeded to chat me up, I invited him to join me because it looked ridiculous talking to him as he was three tables away. And while he went on and on about how great a companion he would be to me, and how gorgeous I am, all I could think of was, is this guy for real and how the hell do I attract people I'm not attracted too?

He was cool, he picked up my tab, he really didn't have to, it is, after-all, a recession. I kept looking at him while he yapped, trying to find something remotely attractive to me...while he talked, tears ran down his cheek from his left eye, maybe an overactive tear duct, who knows. Oh, and did I mention, he talked with his mouth full, and of course here's food flying out of his mouth every chance it got!

Oh, yes! That's when it got difficult to find that someone...There is a never-ending supply of Mr. Not-so-Attractive-to-me. Every time I go out, I meet someone but he is never that someone. So that's why, lately, I've been huddled up at home, always in front of my computer, searching, reading, watching...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Online Dating...The Persian

Hmmm, the Persian...I liked him...

..even though he lied about his age and his name. I understand people using aliases on dating sites but when you take the next step to meet with someone, I feel as a rule of etiquette, the basics should be revealed. Basics like, hey Lols, I know on the site it states that I am 42 years old but I'm actually 53...I know it says my name is John but my real name is ...

I shouldn't have to catch you answering your phone with a completely different name and when I ask, then and only then do you tell me John isn't your real name.

Anyway, the Persian...I liked him, he was cute, sue me...He definitely looked older with a little bit of a potbelly, attributes that were not visible from his photos but I liked him. There was something about him. He had a great sense of humour, I never laughed so much.

We started off meeting at the local cafe; we had such a great time there, we didn't want it to end, we headed off to see a movie and had dinner. We spent the whole day together. At the end of the day, I couldn't get past the silly little lies; I kept thinking if he could lie about the little things what big things could he be keeping from me. After my second date with him, which was just as great as our first meeting, I knew I would not be seeing him again. I still think about him every now and then but I know it would not have worked because the foundation was mush!

Stick a fork in me....I'm done!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Girls that like girls...

Okay, don't get excited...this is not a post to satisfy your fantasies - boys, so look away if that is what you are expecting.

I wondered why it is so difficult for women to get along with other women. I mean, men have their,
bros before hoes mantra
men can hang with their boys and absolutely love it but why do women always have drama?

I fell in love with Sex and the City and for a while Girlfriends was a fun show to watch...these shows proved that women can be best friends for real but unfortunately, it is not the case in real life.

Being a woman of a certain age and single, I've wanted to get a set of female friends together so we can hang out and share common interests.

The first frenemy, found a way to end our friendship over a trip because she was selfish and thought I wouldn't pay my end; she ended up looking foolish cause she did not have anyone to hang with and all my friends were there.

The second faux friend, who literally cried in my ear everyday about how much she wanted to get married, took off with the first guy that showed her the tiniest bit of attention...can't wait to hear how that story ends.

And now, this third back-stabber takes the cake. She just got off a bad break-up, which incidentally, I did too. However, she was taking hers really hard...I'm there to call him all the names in the book and help her understand that he was not the one. She loves to go out every night, I would say I'm somewhat conservative but I love a good time. She invites me out, maybe for lunch or we go get our nails done then she wants to hit the next night spot. Mind you, I'm looking crazy as fuck, while she is appropriately dressed and she says let's go. I go, because I believe the outing might cheer her up. She believes she is an experienced party girl and I am a beginner. Too funny...

Every time we've gone out, she thinks she looks better, because she is much smaller than me, plus I don't try...I told you guys, I am self-actualized, self assured!

Fast forward to a couple of days ago, I wanted some peach cobbler from some cafe we had visited once before when I looked and felt like a stuffed turkey but that's a whole 'nother story. I told her I had a hankering for it and she was up for it.

This time, I got dressed, put on some make up, no stuffed turkey tonight, biatch and off we went. She has a specific type of guy she likes, I didn't realize that this one guy (her spec) had been scoping me out all night, however, this other guy had been glued to me the entire time. When her spec couldn't take it any longer, he walks over to us and asks for my number, I ignore him because clearly I was sitting with a gentleman who just bought us drinks and that would have been rude. So he gives her his number, I guess she thought it was meant for her, she asks him if he wants her to call him but he says, no, I want you to give her my number so she can call me.

She went bananas, yelling at me, saying don't you ever, I am not your servant...bla bla bla, don't you have your phone, it was crazy, then she proceeded to give him my number.

It was the oddest thing! I had no intention of giving out my number to anyone, it was an evening out to eat, laugh out loud, flirt a little but go home without any attachments.

For someone who is always on about being a wingman, that was a poor showing on her part. Oh, well another one bites the dust!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Online Dating...The Crypt Keeper

I know it sounds awful but this dude ...

Well, let me start from the very beginning...I want you to know that I am an equal opportunity dater...what do you mean, dear Lols, you say? Well, I mean I do not discriminate. I don't care about Race, creed, age whatever!! I'm all about your brain and how much mental stimulation I get from being around you.

So this dude was the next guy to chat me up online, almost at the same time as the Chef; his profile read like an ad, so I googled him. I found some other website he had previously been on with the same photos from four years back. I asked him about that and his explanation seemed somewhat logical so I kept communicating with him. We decided to take the conversation from the computer to the phone and every time we spoke, he sounded very professional, that should have been my second clue. My first clue should have been his age but I just told you, I'm an equal opportunity dater.

He finally got the courage to ask for a meet; I accepted and we planned to meet at a local coffee shop. Let me tell you that this guy was always very polite, always very respectful, I was really taking a liking to him and could not wait to meet him.

On the day we were to meet, I had a date with the Chef too, one of the dates that he cancelled on, I was actually cool with him cancelling cause I wondered how I could blow-off TCK if I ended up having a really good time with the Chef but thanks to his royal flakiness, I didn't have to.

So time to meet up, I got there and he looked much older than his photos but not too too bad to where he needed a good telling off. We sat down at a table for two and that's where it all came crashing down...cue the jeopardy countdown music, crickets, any thing that conjures up awkward silent moments; I tell you, I believe I did that nodding-off-quick-wake-up thing many times...It was an epic disaster.

I looked at my bare wrist and wished I had a watch sitting on it, so I could say, oh look, is that the time, I really need to get going? In the end, I couldn't take the boredom anymore, after twenty minutes of talking about how I loved treesI really am fascinated by them but this guy was not giving me anything to work with, I told him I had some work to finish up and needed to leave.

He walked me to my car, I stretched out my hand for a shake, he ignored and hugged me, that was uber weird; I said good night and took off to the land of the living.

Strike two!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Big Banks Behaving Badly...

A few days ago, I came across an article about a young man, Ikenna Njoku of Auburn, Washington who was arrested and thrown in jail for trying to cash a Chase check.

He had formerly held a Chase account so when his rebate check was directly deposited into his closed Chase account, Chase deducted their overdraft fees, a whopping $600, then cut him a check containing the balance and mailed it to him.

When he received it, Ikenna Njoku took the Chase check to a Chase bank to cash it but when he got there, the teller scrutinized the check and questioned its validity. Ikenna Njoku explained that the money was proceeds from a first-time homebuyer rebate program on his tax returns. The teller took so long processing the check, Ikenna left, he stated that by the time he got back the bank was shut but when he contacted customer service he was asked to go back the next morning.

Poor Ikenna Njoku, returned to the bank the next morning only to be handcuffed and carted away to jail under suspicion of trying to cash a fraudulent check. When Chase realized they had made a mistake, all they did was call and leave a message for the detective handling the case.

Ikenna Njoku spent four days in jail, his vehicle impounded and ultimately auctioned off which led to him losing his job.

As I read the article, two things incensed me the most: 1) the attitude of the teller 2) the nonchalant and callous way that Chase handled their error by letting this poor boy stay in jail.

The teller had no right to treat Ikenna Njoku that way! There are so many ways she could have handled the transaction without embarrassing and harassing him.

As for Chase, when they realized it was their mistake, Ikenna Njoku should not have spent an extra minute in jail. This useless bank has not compensated him for the humiliation, loss of property and loss of job.

A few posts back, I talked about how useless the customer service was at Washington Mutual/WaMu, incidentally, Chase merged with this bank, SHOCKER!! Talk about like attracting like!! One bad bank merging with an equally bad bank makes an even bigger ginormously inefficient and incompetent bank!!

Can you tell I'm utterly disgusted!?!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Weapons permit...

Yes, I shall soon be a card carrying member of the NRA...

I recently applied for my weapons permit, I had been toying around with the idea for a while now and then went ahead and did it. I was informed that it could take up to three months before I receive it, that's a serious background check, if you ask me...

I had to go to the court house to fill out an application and pay some fees, then off I went to the Police station to get my finger-prints!!

So where is my buddy Fred, I need help deciding on what piece to get...

Online Dating...The Chef usual, I get caught up and life takes over...

Okay, The Chef. This guy runs a popular restaurant in the Roswell area, am I giving away too much? Hmm...It was exciting because he was the first hit I got, very cute, a little short but cute. It was too good to be true. He was very forthcoming with information. Immediately, asked me for my phone number, wanted to meet...I gave some excuse cause I wanted to do my little background checkwhich he checked out okay, you know, the usual google search, facebook, the works! He called again, and this time I agreed to meet with him at a little coffee shop.

The day of the meet-up, I was running a few minutes late, I called him to let him know and he almost sounded like he had forgotten ~ awkward moment#1. He then proceeded to tell me that he would meet me in about twenty minutes but didn't arrive until thirty minutes later, in his Chef's uniform no less ~ awkward moment#2.

He looked really cute in person and he was obviously smittenor should I say turned on because he did not take his eyes of me the whole evening and said he wished we had met at a better restaurant. We talked and talked and had a genuinely great evening, we decided to take the conversation to a close-by lounge. When we got there, he talked about how he knew that this relationship was going to be a good one and last ~ awkward moment#3.

After laughing and talking some more, I told him I had a lovely evening but needed to head back homeI rode with him to the lounge, I know, risky move but I have pretty decent instincts for gauging predators...we then drove to my car, while driving there he asked me to his house the next day for a movie night ~ earlier we had established we both love movies ~ and then the following weekend we would get all dressed up for a proper dinner date. I accepted, go figure!

When we got back to my car, he asked if he could kiss me, I was a very hungry kiss and I immediately got extra suspicious about his true intentions.

Well, the next day rolled around, the day before the movie night, and he sent me a text message to postpone the date due to working late, I responded saying it was okay but we could just cancel altogether and just meet up on our official date night. He immediately calls me and begs not to cancel then he tells me that he is driving past my house and wonders if he could stop by...okay this was extra weird but strangely, I allowed ithe's cute, sue me! Well, he came over and this I was not expectingokay maybe I was, he grabs me and is all kissy kissy so I tell him to stop, he does and then I tell him, I'm in the middle of getting some work done and I'll see him on our movie night date.

On this new day of the date, he sends me another text message asking for a rain-check because he has to go bail a friend out from jail...RED FLAGS!!!

Here is the conversation thread:

The Chef: Hey I'm going to have to cancel tonight. Pls don't be upset.

The Chef: I have a friend who needs my help, he got arrested. I might have to bail him out

The Chef: I will call u later

Lols: That's fine.

The Chef: Thx for understanding

After adding up the entire short experience with this joker, I decide, I don't want to deal with this guys erratic behaviour so I send him this message..

Lols: Hi, please call me when you get a moment

The Chef: What's up are you ok?

Lols: I'm alright, I just wanted to talk to you about a few things.

The Chef: One of those conversation huh ;) well I will go ahead and just say let's end this now. I'm not interested in being in a serious relationship with you rt now.

The Chef: I'm sorry to say it like that but maybe its just better if we move on

The Chef: Sorry :(

Lols: No need to apologize, if that's how you truly feel.

The Chef: Your very sweet and beautiful, but I'm just not ready for you rt now. Good luck in ur search...

Lols: Good luck to you too...'s going to be a fun experience this online dating...

The British Accent...

As I type this up, I'm cracking up at how absurd this is going to sound but it is oh so true. I'm a Nigerian-American (yes! that is an actual ethnic group these days) with a slight British accent. I say slight because I get told that I have a British accent often, even when I'm not conscious about it. It's weird because when I first meet a person, I make sure I speak in a manner that they can understand however it comes out sounding British; a lot of times the conversation transitions, that is when I first meet a person, I sound British but as time goes on, especially when we are comfortable, they get the full Nigerian treatment with slang, pidgin, exclamations the whole works. I have visited the UK several times but never lived there for longer than a few parents schooled in England but they do not have British accents, so I'm not sure how it is that I speak with a British accent, oh wait, it must have been my English teacher in Secondary school, she loved me, because I was a little mini-her, I copied everything she did, from the way she walked to the way she talked, I miss you Mrs. B.

Okay, so here's where it get's absurd - People believe I am extremely smart because of the accent. What! Shocking!! No, I tell you the truth…but this is not to say I am not intelligent because I am but it is an automatic assertion the minute I speak. One day, my sister and in-laws were bantering about my different accents; my sister calls my British accent, business mode, my brother-in-law always kids, you've just got in, yeah, whenever I subconsciously drop in a sentence all British-like. I joked about how people straighten up whenever they hear me speak; they take notice, pay attention almost trance-like, not wanting to miss any nuggets of wisdom. However, if I were to respond with a strictly Nigerian accent, they would immediately switch off and the response would be, what you say, now? We had a good laugh but I decided I would perform a quick experiment to prove my theory.

One day, my sister and I were out and I decided I was hungry and wanted to get a quick snack, we pulled up to a restaurant and I ordered like a regular American, which was all good but when we got to the window, I had additional questions, then I said, yes, that is the one that I want but with every word pronounced fully, just like the British do but with a Nigerian spin…you know ~ dat is de wan dat I want ~ my sister says this was not a fair experiment because the guy was not expecting the transformation when he responded with huh, whatyasanow. But I say it was very fair because I repeated the same sentence but this time with a British accent and he got it and it almost looked like he responded with a bowing of his head and curtsy.

They say don’t judge a book by its cover but I think that’s easier said than done. I believe the vast majority of people in the world trust perception over reality; you know, like all British are proper and smart, all Asians are intelligent and good at science, all Nigerians are crooks, all especially the latter being furthest from the truth. In today’s world nobody has the time to get to know anything or anybody, this is the “Now” generation so knowing that, one should always put their best face forward.

Anyway, I’m off to watch some telly and drink some tea with crumpets…cheerio!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Online Dating....

So, as a woman of a certain age, still single with no kids, well, let's just say the options are limited. I don't really have the luxury of time, or so I thought, really don't want to spend months dating Mr. wrong. I guess you can call it picky but so what, I'd rather be picky than spend the rest of my life sorry! I keep telling myself.

Now, being picky comes with its pitfalls so I was advised to check out the online dating scene. It is quick and straight to the point, I was told. Hmm! I wondered, yes, that sounds like a great idea, I told myself.

I decided to sign up, and as much as I can, I will chronicle the many escapades because, OMG, it has been funny!

You see, when I started blogging, I did it as an outlet, to release pent up angst, amongst other things and so I have gone months and sometimes even skipped a whole year without writing maybe I haven't been angry enough...well, now, I have something to write about.

I signed up for online dating after a terrible break up with a terrible man. I had had enough...I figured, with online dating, preliminary questions would already be answered; everything laid out for one to pick and choose. I went into it, all serious like but by the third meet up, I realized that this exercise is more for comic relief than anything else. And I may be putting way too much pressure on myself. So, now, I'm just going to have fun! The characters I come across on the dating website have mused me back in to chronicling.

Let the laughter begin!!